I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
