she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
