He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sorry my hands just texted you
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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