Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
