Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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