WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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