somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sext me about skeletons
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
