Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize