Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
