I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.