last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....