I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
