Plan B is the new Plan A
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
