I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Come on in and take your pants off
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