u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
