I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
