my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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