I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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