Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Is it penis luge time yet?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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