where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
