he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
