There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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