We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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