I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
home. puking in laundry basket.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
