oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
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YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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