How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
