I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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