she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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