You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
