dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
and she was petting her beer can
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
