I wish my penis had an off switch
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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