I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
