If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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