Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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