He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
