Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
