we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
