I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
These tits shall not be calmed
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
