No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
there is glitter all over my balls
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