he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
