Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
