i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
