She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
