you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
