I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
