dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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