you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
