I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
