i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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