we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I love you.
Bad choice
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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