Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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