I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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