It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
