Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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