When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
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And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape