she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
