i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
