just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
lol hangovers are for mortals.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
