Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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